just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
