i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
