everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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