I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
