When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
