1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
