Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
