Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
