Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
