I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
