I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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