the condom got lost in my hair
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
