Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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