So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
