Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
