Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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