Where is the hickey?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
