This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
