This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
