i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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