I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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