I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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