Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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