No stitches, just platelets and will power
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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