I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
