That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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