so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
