mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
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