you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
