i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
