she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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