come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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