Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
