I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
