the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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