I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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