I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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