I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
