It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
