i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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