I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
