Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
