my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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