Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
If that was your dad, he is hot
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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