does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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