the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
