How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
