My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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