brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
