I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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