remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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