Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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