Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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