If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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