Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
