dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
